FREE with the purchase of...

...some piece of crap, or a two-year subscription to a magazine I don't read. Or a truck.

Free = costs $0.00

Your Moderately Hot Wife

who was sending me moderately flirty vibes while our respective partners were talking about charter schools. If she's into me, can you let her know she should grow a pair and slip me a note or some tongue? Please? Thanks!

Bathroom attendants

Thanks, I can dry my hands myself.

Also, why would I want to buy candy in a bathroom? Yuck.

Street drumming

Dogs

Yes, even yours.

Donny and Marie live Christmas show

I want to drop acid and go see this.

Rick Perry

What is it with Texas and governors. They like 'em dumb and folksy. Rick Perry's newest ad takes him to new heights of dumb and folksy, with his good 'ol boy stroll through the field while bashing gays in the military and promoting school prayer:

"Have a blessed day"

You might was well tell me to have a Coke and a smile. I don't need advertisements for religion sprinkled throughout my day by crypto-proselytizers.

Newt Gingrich's head

Honestly, what is that thing?

Your dreams

Whenever I hear someone say "I had the weirdest dream last night" I run. Yes, dreams are weird. No, yours are not interesting to anyone.

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That begs the question

Use of "begs the question" to mean "raises the question."

"I couldn't care less."

"I could care less." is a close second.

Pleats

Any movie where they say, "let's do this thing!"

Check Engine light

I think this could be a little more specific.

Anything in particular I should be checking for? Squirrels?

Parades

And don't even get me started about the traffic problems they create.

The fake Half & Half that doesn't need to be refrigerated because it isn't actually Half & Half.

High pitched sounds when the air is cold and dry.

Too much salt.

My neighbor's TV

This untucked shirt thing.

PDFs

People who say "you must have a lot of time on your hands" because you did something for enjoyment rather than for money.

Standing in line.

People who type a website address into a search box.

People who don't know what a browser is.

The use of "impact" as a verb.

This thing that comes up any time I make the mistake of using Internet Explorer instead of Chrome:

Waiting for lunch.

The "coat rack" style menorah that's popping up all over town.

It's really not doing a good job of competing with the Xmas tree (and lovely gifts).

The person standing in the doorway of the train so everyone has to push their way past him.